What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:52
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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But it wasn’t much.
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So, i spoilt her more .
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What do you do to make yourself sleep early?
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Would this be the day?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He knew the spot.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ive learnt so much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So whats the point in blame.